confidence

"How are you so confident? Like, how are you able to wear shorts, and shirts that show your arms and be okay with that?"

I had only been following Jesus for a few months when a girl asked me that my sophomore year of high school. She messaged me on MySpace, that is how long ago this was. I don't remember my exact response, and MySpace, as I know it, is extinct, but I know it was something along the lines of "Jesus gives me confidence to do these things and He can give you confidence too."

But let's get good and honest here - that wasn't true. 

I have been teased, picked on, and in my senior year of high school, bullied for my weight. I carried shame like a backpack, and as I have told you in another post, tried everything to get the weight off and gain confidence. But this hasn't always been an issue for me.

When this girl wrote me, I was fairly confident in who I was. But that confidence was not necessarily tied to my new found faith, I think it was more tied to the fact that I lived in Florida and it was freaking hot and I would melt in anything but shorts and tank tops. I also remember stating often that "If they make the clothes in my size, then I am going to wear them." 

But then something happened towards the end of high school that shifted everything. I think that is when I picked up the backpack of shame. My senior year of high school, t shirts became the same sweatshirt everyday, shorts were dark washed jeans, I didn't care to pull myself together, wash my hair, or get out of the house. I hated every day walking on to that campus and I knew that sixth period would hold taunting and words that would cut deep and they would just add weight to the backpack. I counted down the days until I would be allowed to escape and start over. 

Now that probably sounds very dramatic, but I read through some of past Kaylee's blog posts and writings, and even though she was dramatic, she felt like this was her reality and she couldn't shake it.

It started there, but it didn't end there. Binge eating and hiding food became fortress for me. I would stay in my room and hide away because in the back of my mind, it was what I deserved. I ate because I was sad, I was sad because I was overweight, I was overweight because of what I was eating...a vicious cycle - and one that continued for a few years. 

This entire time, I really never thought it was something that God could, would, or wanted to rescue me from. I thought it was a reality for me and something that was meant to be a part of me. Counselors and nutritionists didn't seem to make a difference, so maybe this was supposed to be my life?

I don't really know why it never occurred to me until maybe a few months ago when I first started thinking through courage and bravery. Don't get me wrong, I was able to gain some of my confidence back through a community of people who loved me and called me part of their family. From my relatives who loved and supported me, though they didn't really understand..

Shorts were reintroduced and I ditched the Keystone Softball sweatshirt and Adidas track pants, but it didn't happen over night and even still, I feel uncomfortable in anything less than capped sleeves and shorts that go past my fingertips..by an inch.

A few months ago, February 9th, 2018, to be exact, I was driving my car through my tiny town, and I felt as though God randomly said "Do you like who I am creating you do be?" It was like receiving a random text message..

It was the strangest thing and it was so random, but I think I said audibly, "yes" without hesitation. I know at least in my heart and mind, I said yes, but often I talk out loud to myself, so I wouldn't be surprised it I yelled "yes!"

I am at an age now where "That is just Kaylee" can be said of my characteristics and personality. Like, I am an adult and there are things about me right now, that will be true of me the day I die. God is making me into something, and I honestly like who she is...

Next thing I know, I am writing blogs, getting my stomach cut out, throwing on two piece bathing suits and dancing in public. And if I am honest (which why wouldn't I be at this point), these are all things I thought would come after I dropped my first 100 pounds, maybe even 150. I never expected to really love this girl as she is right now.

See, I got this confidence in me that cannot die. Things can threaten it, try to drown it out or put a shadow over it, but it cannot die. I've got this Spirit inside of me, He is something that not even I, my own worst enemy, can separate myself from. 

At some point I looked up and said "God will you take these issues because I am tired and weary from carrying them." At some point I let Him take off the backpack of guilt and shame, and He cast it far off that I would never be able to retrieve it. 

Because I am a sick human being, with a heart prone to wander, I might go looking for the sick comfort of the backpack or guilt and shame, but I always come back to put on the robe of righteousness instead. 

I am so thankful that I was able to gain this confidence in Christ now, rather then a false confidence 150 pounds from now. That all consuming confidence waits for you too and it is available to all who call upon the Name of the Lord. 

Weight loss surgery, plastic surgery, new clothes, credit cards, cars, careers, friend groups, and education can give the appearance of confidence, but it will never be enough. You know that. You feel that. That's why you always want more. 

I can be afraid and do it anyway, not because of my own works, but because of His own purpose and grace which He gave in Christ Jesus before the ages began. There is so much freedom in that, a freedom that goes far beyond shorts and bathing suits. It means freedom to fail, fall, and ask questions. It means freedom to sing loudly, hurt deeply, and love well. It means freedom to forgive, dance in public, and be vulnerable.

So make no mistake, this new found confidence and bravery in me, is not of me. Because I tried to run this show on my own, and I failed miserably. 

It might be time for you to throw off a backpack, it's easier to run to Jesus without it.