the hardest part...

I didn't reach my weight loss goal last week...below is a photo of my crying in my doctor's office because I knew God would want me to remember the moment I went back and forth in my head "You failed" and "my beloved, I am good." Those two things shot around in my head like bullets for the entire day...

The last 3 months have been a roller coaster.

Celebrating the new milestones one day, and the next wondering why it took so long to get there. Some days I am on cloud nine, loving what my body can do now and then moments later wondering why the freaking scales aren't moving as quick as the left roundhouse I worked on for an hour. Going crazy over the fact I have have dropped 3 pant sizes in 4 months, then looking in the mirror and wondering where the weight actually came off because it is hard to see it in myself..

Weight loss is the most brutal roller coaster because it's not a twist and turn every now and then, but its almost a constant up and down with hard turns out of nowhere and a sudden drop that you know will eventually level out - it's just a matter of time. 

But that, for me, isn't even the hardest part of this experience. 

The hardest part, the thing that I will battle for the rest of my life, is remembering that I am not a number on a scale, measuring tape or dress tag.

We stress this, Christians and non-Christians. That we are more, deserve more, and are better than...fill in the blank. We can do better, but are not defined by what we have done..well - some Christians believe that

It's hard for my mind to go there. It's even harder for my heart to go there. But I also think I might be getting it all wrong..

What if I am not merely more than the numbers, grades, degrees, hair color, clothing tag, credit score, or jab-crosses per minute - what if I am something so completely far from that.

From now on, therefore, we regard no one according to the flesh. Even though we once regarded Christ according to the flesh, we regard him thus no longer. Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation;
2 Corinthians 5:16-18

I was made new when I was plunged beneath the flood of blood, sweat, and grace. I gained a new identity. I was made new. And I am made new again and again and again - my heart and soul never depreciating in value or worth - not because of ANYTHING I have done, but only because of the work of Christ..

and believing that, being convinced of that new identity, will always be the hardest part.

This is just as true for the ups as it is for the downs.

• finish the degree or flunk the class - covered
• hit the goal weight or the scales move in the "wrong direction" - forgiven
• get THE job or land yourself back at the same minimum wage hell hole - seen
• hit 2000 reads on a blog post or maybe your mom and her friends are the only readers...or maybe just your mom - known
• read the bible 9 days this week, or read it for 9 minutes last month - redeemed 
• content in the season of singleness or called him back again because it's better than loneliness - forgiven
• snack on fruit and chocolate almond milk at 8 p.m. or a pint of magnum chocolate shelled ice cream at 2 a.m... - new
• celebrating purity or falling again in the sin you thought you had beat - beloved

No matter where you are - in your own little dream land, hell hole, or somewhere in between - In Christ, you are not what you do, are are what has been done for you. 

That is freedom. It is freedom to shake the chains that have threatened to drown you. It is freedom to breathe when you forgot because you got caught up in to-do's and achieving. It is permission to drop the backpack of the bricks of condemnation you've been carrying around because you think it makes you look strong, but it's actually slowing you down. 

CHASE YOUR DREAMS! Start small. Embrace the crappy job. Climb the ladder. Jump higher and reach the dang moon or starts or whatever that cheesy quote is. Dream big. Plan well. Train hard. But breathe. Remember who you are. Let your newness make you humble, not hype you up. We were meant to hype the One who breathed this all into existence. Rest. 

I will spend all of my days, the good and bad, fighting to remember who the heck I am and new names I am given daily. My new names, when I remember them, they push me to the foot of the cross, and that is where I am transformed to look more like the One. 

So, here is to making goals, busting butt to reach them, but remembering my Name no matter what. 

Beloved.