I lost 100 pounds - here's what I learned

It's been 8 months, almost to the day, since I began this journey to gaining life. Right before beginning my pre-op diet, I weighed in at 366.8 lbs. I don't think this was my highest weight, but before beginning this journey, stepping on a scale was so terrifying just the thought of it brought me to tears. I have officially lost 100 lbs in less than a year..

It kind of doesn't feel real, if I am honest. I knew it was coming, I was pretty sure it would happen the day that it did, but it was a weird feeling I mean, I knew the day would come eventually, I got my stomach cut out of my person for crying out loud, but in another way, I wasn't sure the day would ever come. This is probably due to the fact that for many years, I really didn't believe the day would come.

This year I have learned a lot about who I am, who God is, and what this life might be about. Not all of them have to do about weight loss, but that is probably because they're more significant than the number on a scale.

1 - doing scary things matters
I don't think this surprises you. I have been screaming about this I pinned "this year I will be afraid, and do it anyway" in my journal on January 1st. I didn't know how far facing my fears would bring me though. This is more than weight loss though, doing scary things leads to a life of abundance. I still get butterflies when I walk into my kickboxing classes, I fight the voice (I have named her Marsha) that says "you can't do this.." "you look ridiculous.." and "hide in the back.." When I open my textbooks she says "it's going to take you hours to read this and you probably still won't understand it.." "you wont finish, why are you wasting time and money?" and "your goals and dreams will never become your reality - quit now." 

I know some of you fight a voice that says similar things to you, but can I tell you, when I do the scary things any way, that is when I get ballsy confident. When I do the scary thing anyway, even though it makes me want to vomit, Marsha shuts up. And can I also tell you this, God calls us to do scary things. He asks us to do things that are bigger than we can handle because HE is big enough, strong enough, knows enough, and cares more than we can ever begin to. I do scary things because God is too big and too good for me to play it safe. I got tired of standing on the sidelines of fear, and I decided to take a few small steps onto the playing field - scared out of my mind, totally ill equipped, and I still don't know how all of this will play out,  but my play-maker does. 


2 - health is more than physical 
I am so surprised about this. I didn't realize how my spiritual, mental, and physical health play together. This morning, I wanted a doughnut so badly it had me in tears. Literally, I sat in my bed crying and eating a lemon Lara Bar (Shout-out to Lara!). I took a minute and said "Okay, where are we lacking right now." Being conscious of all three of these areas has changed the game for me. When I lack in one area, I lack in all of them. It takes extra time out of your day to make sure you are mentally, spiritually, and physically healthy, but I promise it might cost you everything if you are aware of your all-around health. Take the time, do the work, because who cares if you're a size 2 if you're falling apart on the inside?


3 - kickboxing is the best workout
This is the honest truth. Some days I don't want to make the drive, and some days I don't! But this morning after my workout, and most days after my workout, I question why I don't make it every dang day. I just feel better, my mind is clear, I get to punch the crap out of things, and the atmosphere helps me forget that I maybe feel like I might die. I burn between 700-800 calories per class, I feel stronger after every workout, and it is something I always wanted to do, but never thought I would. 
*If you would like to join me for a class, let me know! You'll only regret not going!


4 - eating healthy sucks still
My mind set going into this was that I maybe wouldn't want doughnuts anymore and that I would be satisfied with mac&cheese maybe every once in a while.. nah. This sucks still. The feeling of disgust after eating bad foods brings regret every time, but its like look at carbs brings on amnesia and I forget the bad feelings will come. A couple of weeks ago I gained 1.5 lbs and then FREAKING STALLED! I looked at 272 on the scale every morning for 8 days..I nearly threw them out the dang window. At first, like an idiot, the gain then stall made me want to cope the old way: bingeing. Guess what? It's hard to binge eat when you have a tiny tummy. But I did what I could, felt like crap, and did it again. Now, this didn't look like it did 100 lbs ago, but it could have spiraled into something horrific had it continued. I am still capable of spiraling out of control in my eating, and that is terrifying to me.

Fortunately, I snapped out of it. On Monday I adopted full on clean eating, and the weight started coming off almost immediately. Apples are not doughnuts, and fried chicken is better tasting than grilled, but my mind is clearer and I physically feel better. 


5 - cold brew is bae
I spend a ridiculous amount of time in coffee shops studying, and cold brew is always there for me. That smooth low-calorie goodness is always there for me. That's it.


6 - shopping is more fun
Now I have never been shy to go after a new outfit, and I probably never will. But for so many years I haven't really been able to shop in the same stores or the same racks as my friends. This is beginning to change. The other day I was browsing the racks at Target, something I rarely, do sometimes, and I remembered that I was no longer limited to the plus size section... I nearly died, y'all. I just went through and looked at everything just because I CAN! And let me say this, I know why thin women have the issues they do in Target - you can literally buy EVERYTHING. This is going to get very interesting for me, y'all pray.


7 - school is terrifying
If you knew me in high school, this probably wouldn't surprise you. When I really think about school, and the fact that I could fail, it makes me feel paralyzed. The other day I stared at my notebook so long without moving or writing in it, a man leaned over and asked me if I were okay.. I said "Oh yeah, just blanked out for a minute.." but I wanted to say "Oh yeah, just malfunctioning because I am way in over my head and it caused me to not feel my body for a few minutes.." and give him a good ol' thumbs up. 

I have struggled with school forever. My first reaction to not understanding and not being able to comprehend is it flee. Which has to have something to do with the fact I am currently enrolled in my fourth college and have taken forever to pick a major. I think I have always known I wanted to pursue psychology, but I knew it would be the hardest thing I could do. Thankfully, I got tired of not chasing after the hard thing. I have a long way to go, but with every assignment, is get slightly, VERY SLIGHTLY, more confident in where I am going and my ability to get there. Only God could take a dyslexic and ill equipped girl like me and have her enroll and succeed in school. 


8 - i have weird dimples on my face
A few weeks ago I wore contacts instead of glasses and took a picture smiling..I had these weird shadows on me face - or so I thought. No, y'all! I have these dimples that sit on the tops of my cheeks! I don't see them often because my glasses sit on top of them, but I have never seen them before! They're very oddly placed, but I kind of like them and it is hilarious to me that they have been begging to be see  for years. I like them, but I'm a little worried about what they might do as I keep losing weight.


9 - stalls happen
I know I mentioned earlier that I just experienced a stall, but this lesson goes further than the scale. We still in life. We get in these weird periods and seasons where we are waiting for something to move. Whether good or bad, we get so used to moving that stillness freaks us out! Sometimes it freaks us out in a way that is healthy, or if you're me, you eat fried cheese. Stalls happen, but your body is still doing something. Just because the scale is still, doesn't mean we get to be - it means we work and trust that it will move again one day, but until then, business as usual. In life, we stall out! I truly believe some people would rather get out of a stall by making a bad choice than continue to do what's right and wait for the change to happen when it is supposed to. 

If your weight is stalled, increase your protein and carry on, sister! If your life is stalled, a protein drink still ins't the worst idea, but trust and believe that God is in the waiting with you. Quit trying to make things happen like you have a hand that created the cosmos.. *rolls eyes*


10 - kaylee - through thick and thin

I really do believe that Kaylee at her highest weight was doing the best she could with where she was and what she knew. I really think she didn't know how to handle her emotions and didn't know the protocol when she felt that things were falling apart around her. It is not always easy not to throw shame on her, though. And if I am completely honest, some days I convince myself that it is deserved.

When people first began to complement me on my weight loss, I couldn't take it seriously. I let myself, that darn Marsha, tell me these exact words: "Congratulations! You have fixed the problem that you caused. That doesn't seem worth celebrating." If I am even more honest, some days she shows up and it is all she has to say, and it can be deafening! 

So yeah, it's hard some days not the shame the girl who got me in this position. The girl who should have known better after all the programs, gym memberships, and "inspirational" quotes she had tucked away in the back of her mind. But that girl, she got me here. That girl, at the very end of her being, made a way for this new me. That girl made a way for boldness to beat fear, confidence to replace shame, and hiding to become seen. 

I will always carry around the memory of that girl, and I will live me life trying not to shame her, but celebrate her because of where she has brought us. I will always carry around pieces of her because I would not be where I am, and I will not go where I go, if she had not decided to choose abundant life. 



I have always been, and always will be, Kaylee. I knew going into this year, God was about to grow me, stretch me, and make me uncomfortable. And with everything in me, I hope I always allow Him to. I hope you hear me when I say this: Jesus is better. Jesus is better than weight loss. Jesus is better that the best doughnut you've ever had. Jesus is better than financial security. Jesus is better than your children. Jesus is better than anything you might hold dear. He is just better. 

I will never do this perfectly but this life, these last 10 months, they mean NOTHING if I don't have Jesus and He doesn't make me look more like Him. When God came down and met me and saved me, it was in my most rebellious, angry, confused, emotional, distracted, sad, doubtful and reckless state - I am not too much for Him.

You are not too much for Him. 

Ask God, and oh won't He do it. 

Here's to looking more like Kaylee looking like Jesus tomorrow.