back to school...

today is my first day of school. well, today is round 4 of completing my bachelor's degree. isn't that the saying? fourth times the charm?

I am 24 - and when I think about the fact that I don't have my bachelors degree already, guilt and shame flood my mind and heart like a dam has broken.

One night a few weeks ago I laid in bed crying angry tears about where I was in my life. 24, single, living with my parents and still depending on them for too much. I have dreams and goals and I am nowhere near achieving them and the longer I am not going after them, the more I feel like it may never happen..

I sometimes choose to sit in that and let it make me feel helpless. That night I chose to sit in that and cry and feel angry and I told God that it was His fault..

"I feel like I have followed You and have always moved when You told me to and have gone where You told me to go.. but right now it feels like you're not delivering and you made a mistake.."

I wrote those words, knowing that I would probably feel differently in the morning, but in the moment absolutely believing them. But praise God, He is not threatened by my lack of belief and faith. He listened, I know He listened, and still invited me back in for more grace and more understanding.

The next day I spent a few hours in my favorite booth in my favorite coffee shop and read the words that poured out of my anger the night before. If I am honest, some of them still felt so true to how I was feeling.

I thought through where I would rather be: having my bachelors degree and working to help people feel a little less broken through my counseling practice. Surrounded by friends who love Jesus and just want to chase after Him with me. Living on my own in my own well decorated apartment with my grey hound named Larry. And I want a home full of people seeking rest and love and who need a safe place to be themselves... these are not bad things, and I get caught up in why I can't have them now. I get so caught up in the lost plans that I made for myself, and honestly they're really good things so it makes no sense why I can't have them, but while they're good, they aren't what is best for me.

As I was reflecting on all the things I was feeling, I felt God ask me the question "What part would you have me change?"

Here's the reality, I wouldn't have Him change a single part of my life thus far.

The one year at my dream school learning about theology, true friendship, the importance of discipleship, the local church, and experiencing incredible spiritual growth.. not a chance.

Suddenly leaving my dream school on a whim because God told me too, experiencing loneliness, confusion, doubt, and taking classes at my local community college with 11th graders from my former high school as opposed to my dreamy Jesus loving school.. even in that season I got to truly experience the nearness of God in a whole new way that made Him so real. I got to teach from the Bible for the first time and I fell in LOVE with teaching it. I fell in love with studying the scriptures and watching Jesus use what He was teaching me to teach someone else.

Then there were the 2 years I spent on a mountain top with some of the craziest human beings I have ever met. I got to learn about community, vulnerability, friendship, and servanthood. I found my voice and learned how to use it. I got to lay on the floor and pray with people and for the first time I really believed that God would move in what I was praying for - and I got to see it with my own eyes. My life was forever changed in one conversation and I know that I wouldn't be doing scary things without those 24 months on a mountain top.

And here I am. 8 months removed from my last adventure and I thought this would look differently even a few months ago. I really thought I would be moving again, back to my dream school and on to a new adventure.

18 year old Kaylee, God bless her, she would probably lose her mind if she knew how far we are from where she thought she would be at 24.. but if she knew what all she would learn, she might smile through the tears.

Today I start school. Today I get to start my classes towards my degree in Psychology and it is the first step in the direction of all my dreams and callings coming true. While I feel so forgotten and behind sometimes, I know that I am where I am supposed to be. I know that through it all His eyes have been on me, His hand has been over me, and that every path that might look broken to most is FOR MY GOOD. It is the best thing for me.

So, here is to countless hours writing papers in coffee shops, many shots of espresso, good internet, and ranting journal entries. Here's to making bold moves, answering weird calls from God, and embracing the joy found in the Journey that is following Jesus.

I start school today - y'all wish me luck.

p.s. it is never to late to go for it.