being good

This is incredibly scattered and not my best -

I skipped kickboxing Thursday.

In my mind, I HAVE to go Monday, Thursday, and Saturday. This isn't the first time I missed a Thursday class, it isn't even the first time I made the hour drive, got to the parking lot, put my car in park and thought "I really don't want to today.."..but it is the first time I put the car back in drive and went to Starbucks instead.

I made that move KNOWING I would feel the guilt of it later. I hoped and prayed my mom wouldn't ask me how class went. I literally thought of excuses I could use to "soften the blow." Not that my mother is going to be angry that I missed, I am 24 years old for goodness sake, but the thought of her being disappointed... that brought me such shame.

I almost felt enough shame to make me turn around and walk into class 10 minutes late, but I really felt the need to figure out where this shame was coming from.

So I went into Starbucks - as I tend to do - took out my journal and wrote out the entire experience.  Everything I was feeling, the guilt, shame, how I was thinking of easy lies and excuses if someone were to ask how class was..

When I write in my journal, I am normally talking to God. It just helps me to get things that normally bounce around in my head out on paper.. I get really honest with Him on paper. Our conversation starts with "First of all I am about to start my period.." and ends with "I feel untrustworthy, shameful, lazy, worthless, and fake - all because I skipped a kickboxing class to go to startbucks and write.. so what are we going to do about that? FIX. ME. JESUS." (If you don't journal - how on earth do you function?)

And I got nothing sitting there. Sure, it helped to get it all out but i wanted to be FIXED! Right then and there, I needed Jesus to give me a revelation about why I am this way. I needed Him to come down and undo all the mess it took me (and society and satan..) 24 years to make.. and He gave me NOTHING sitting there.

I work with 2 year olds in a daycare. If you have every been around a 2 year old for more than 7 minutes, you feel sorry for me. Thank you, I covet your prayers.

2 year olds throw fits on an almost constant basis. They want to climb on the bookshelf to get to the window sill to get to the curtain rod so they can hang like Tarzan and live their best lives, and they get really pissed when you stop them. One child attempts this ALL day long. He knows when I am changing diapers, he has a shot at the swing of his lifetime.. He starts to make his move and normally by the time he makes it to the top of the 3 ft. shelf, I swoop in and get him down. He then proceeds to throw himself on the floor, kick off one shoe, and scream until he sees fit to quit. After the screaming he will pick up his shoe, bring it to me, look at me with those sweet baby blues and say "I a good boy.."

Sitting in church Thursday night, after the skipping or kickboxing and the Starbucks, it hit me - I just want to be a good girl.

I have always wanted to be a good girl..well, almost always. I at least wanted people to think I was a good girl. I was a really good teacher's pet. I was the girl in class who ran copies for the teachers, spent my lunch time in the library putting books on shelves, and my favorite place to hide was my guidance counselor's office.

I WANT TO BE GOOD!

It makes me incredibly uncomfortable when people talk to me about blogging in person. It makes me stomach hurt and I get weird and awkward and want to run away, but it makes me feel good when people tell me that I am good. Because if I am good, then I am enough. And man, don't we all just want to feel like we're enough?

Don't we all just desire to be loved and wanted. Don't we all just desire someone looking at us, just as we are, and say "You're good - just like this, you're good."

Apparently that is a very Enneagram One (Its a personality type) thing to desire being told "You're good" but I can't help but think it's a human race thing to want to be told "You're good right here where you are.."

My heart has been clinging to the words in Romans 8:1 for about the last month -

"There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus..."

Shame, guilt, and condemnation are what makes up the clothes of a dead man. When Jesus made me new, gave me life, and bestowed his GOODNESS upon me, I was also commanded to shake off the graveclothes.

Apart from Jesus, there is not a good thing about me. I know that more than anyone. For goodness sake - I thought about lies and excuses to tell my mother about skipping Kickboxing like I was in middle school again..

I don't really know how to end this except to say this: Jesus has never asked me to be good and He will never ask me to be good. Love Him, know Him, make Him known, and love anyone made in His image - and love them well. The goal of being good has been ingrained in me, like most people, as a child. It was always the last thing my mom said to be before I went off without her.

"Why can't you just be GOOD?!" is a phrase I catch myself saying almost every day - but the reality is, on our own we cannot be good. Paul understood this when he said "I do the things I don't want to do and don't do the things I want to be..because my heart is jacked up, man.." (I may have added that last part..) 

So if you're a sister like me who desires a pat on the head and a "good girl" like you're a dang golden retriever, you're brokenness and tired heart is welcomed here. Hold on to this - if you are in Christ, you are not what you do, you are what has been done for you in the finished work of Christ.

This desire to be good probably won't vanish anytime soon - but one day my heart will catch on to the truth that Jesus is enough. Until then, I will be sitting in coffee shops all over feeding it some truth.

I was made to cling to something. So were you, and we get to choose what we cling to. We can cling to our identity as good boys and girls who have their crap together and never fall - but honesty feels better and sweetie, you're jacked up. I am jacked up. The cross of Christ is where restoration begins and ends and goodness is constantly being poured out, so imma cling to that. When I am clinging to that, I don't need to be good - I just need Jesus. And when I just need Jesus, I look more like Him and THAT IS GOOD!

I just need Jesus. You just need Jesus.